Starting Over

In many ways, we feel like we are starting over...at life. At everything in life. And this is not entirely true, but in many senses it is. 

Our vocabulary is that of a 2 year old. We are laughed at when we speak, like a two year old. We can't pronounce letters, like a two year old. We can't communicate what we want to say, like a two year old. 

I thought the police man that pulled me over was telling me he lived in Pogradec. 

I smiled really big and said "Oh great!" nodding my head like I understand Albanian. I later found out he told me if I was in Pogradec I would have gotten a ticket...He was probably very confused by my response. 

Our cultural understanding is that of maybe a 5 year old. There are some things you universally do and don't do...or maybe that's not true either. It is a compliment for me to hear I am fat. 

Our senses are constantly being bombarded like that of an infant. 

Every smell is new and overwhelming...kind of like your first time at Disneyland...but the opposite kinds of smells. 

Every sight is shocking, like a pile of skinned dead cows in the back of a truck being delivered to the butcher...your butcher. 

Every taste is new and sometimes unwelcome to your tastebuds...like pickles. 

Every sound is unfamiliar and you're constantly wondering what's going on outside. "What's that???" Oh, it's a goat. 

Sometimes, while Shiloh is playing, she'll just sit up on her knees, clench her fists, contort her face, and give an intense, long grunt. I feel like that's what my brain is doing 24/7. 

My brain is going back to infancy at a time when it wasn't programmed for it. 

It's like a volcano always on the verge of eruption. 

My greatest victory this week was when I was walking in the street and I knew what two ladies were saying...

One said to the other, "Do you want a banana?" 

Yes, that's all. 

I was thrilled.

And in that moment I realized all the things I am telling you right now. 

The reality of starting over. 

And this bleeds into the spiritual aspect of life here as well. 

I have a girls bible study every week and we are going through John. This week we took a break to have more of a hang out time. We painted nails and did make up and I curled hair for an hour and a half. 

The room was so loud. Girls laughing and talking and shoving for a spot in the mirror. 

Normally, I'm the one being told to quiet down, or calm down, or the one being laughed at because I'm constantly embarrassing myself. 

But yesterday, I was almost silent. 

Not because I wasn't thrilled to have all those girls in my house, or because I wasn't having a blast. 

But because I couldn't understand much. And I could say even less than that. And it was too loud to try to have a one on one conversation and pick up some words. 

At the end I talked for a little bit about beauty (yes with someone translating). We read 1 Peter 3 and I shared with them that was is most important to Jesus is that we have beautiful hearts. Souls. The part that will never die. 

And I realized how little I actually know them. I know many of them were saved this summer. I know they just heard for the first time last week that the Holy Spirit lives in the lives of believers. 

But I don't know their deepest struggles. I don't know what gives them pain. I don't know what they are proud of. I don't know what they are afraid of or excited by. 

I have spent years in America discipling girls. Learning how to counsel in different kinds of issues. Learning how to get to the heart of a matter. Learning how to invest and care and be consistent. I know how they think. I know their worldview. I know what makes them tick and why the do what they do. 

But now, I am stuck. I can't really do any of those things to the degree I would like to. There are a few girls who know English really well and I feel like I have been able to invest in their lives but even that is to a different extent. I can't talk to them in their heart language. 

And that's why we are giving our lives. 

So that in 3 years I can speak and understand Albanian. So that in 4 or 5 years, maybe I can completely lead a bible study in Albanian. So that in 10 years I feel comfortable discipling and counseling girls and women. Give or take a few years for all of those. 

Is that worth it? Is it worth it to completely start over your life when you could have ministered to people who's language you knew, and culture you knew, and worldview you were a part of? 

While I was curling hair, I kept thinking of the verse He who is faithful in little will be faithful in much. 

I want to be faithful in much. I want to invest in their souls. So right now, I will curl hair and make carrot muffins and study Albanian until my brain is raw. I will do a bible study with someone translating. And I will love them with Christ's love in every tangible way I can think of. 

So we will learn. And we will stay. So that one day we don't feel like 2 year olds. So that one day we can invest in their souls. 

Right now we are building a foundation. We are laying the groundwork. We are preparing and collecting the materials for the building. Actually, God is doing that. And even though He doesn't need us, He is letting us be a part of it. 

It's tiring. It's a lot of work. It's confusing and painful and exciting and beautiful. 

And it's totally worth it.